50k for awareness/NaNoWriMo – now it’s not so complicated!

‘Oh thank God for that!’  Kaitlin exclaimed when they picked up Sarah the next day for their holiday and she told them what had happened the night before.  ‘So does that mean you’re getting rid of him for good?  I hope so, never liked him anyway and that means there will be 3 of us single for this cruise not just 2!’
‘Well thanks for telling me earlier!’  Sarah laughed, ‘you could have saved me a lot of time and effort.’  Viv gave her a hug around the passenger seat ‘and we haven’t technically broken up so a holiday romance would be considered cheating I guess’
‘You’ve always got us hon, we’re so much nicer, more awesome and far better looking that Pete!’ she grinned.  Sarah laughed again
‘What a dick!’  Cried Cath ‘his loss anyway, you’re far too amazing for him and besides, Viv is right, you have 3 awesome mates who love you heaps and know exactly how great you are.  That and, if you’re going to break up with him when you get back and you’re sure he feels the same way then is there really a problem if you find someone nice on the boat?’
‘Thanks ladies!’  Sarah grinned ‘I know I can always count on you to be confusing! I guess I’ll address the question of holiday romance if it comes up.  But yeah, I dunno, I guess my relationship with Pete had just run its course but it’s pretty frustrating to know I spent so much time and effort for nothing.  I almost wish I hadn’t.’
‘You can’t say that!’  Kaitlin interjected ‘he did have some redeeming features’
‘Like what?’ Cath laughed ‘I don’t recall seeing any!’
‘Well you obviously didn’t see him from behind then’ Kaitlin winked ‘his best angle was walking away!’  They laughed
‘Oh yeah, I did notice but John’s is better’ Cath said faithfully
‘You always say that Cath’ Viv laughed
‘Can’t help it if my hubby is everything I find sexy in this world!’ Cath stuck out her tongue at Vivienne
‘I think we might just have to agree to disagree on that one…’ Kaitlin replied ‘now, which ramp do I have to drive up for domestic departures?’  They had reached the airport.

After an unusually fast check-in, airport shopping and boarding they were on their way.  Sitting 2 in front and 2 behind on the side of the plane they could chat with ease.  ‘What about that guy Steve?’ asked Viv sitting in the seat next to Sarah; ‘he was nice and you guys seemed to have a lot to talk about at my party a few months ago!’
‘Yeah, no.’  She replied quickly.  ‘Firstly – I’m not ready to jump straight into another relationship, secondly – Pete and I haven’t actually officially broken up, and finally that guy was a ‘wounded bird collector’.’
“What’s that mean?’ Asked Kaitlin from the seat in front
‘Meaning he was one of those guys who wants someone to take care of, so he can feel like his role as the big protective man is being validated and satisfy his need to be needed.  He’s not the first one I’ve met and I don’t need that!  I want someone to want to be with me because they love me and appreciate my good qualities enough to ignore my bad ones, not because they feel sorry for me and want to take care of me.  That’s not enough!’
‘You mean there are people out there like that?’  Cath asked ‘how bizarre!’
‘Yeah, you’d be surprised!  Their eyes change when you tell them about your being unwell and how it impacts on your life, I mean, everyone reacts differently but it’s odd, they get more interested, ask so many questions, call you ‘poor thing’ and ‘so brave’ and all that.  I just want to be treated like a normal person!  Sympathy is fine and all that but it’s not my whole life, I am a person separate from my illness, it’s not my life and I don’t like to be identified like that!’
‘Ok then, we’ll just have to find you someone on the cruise with as good a rear view as Pete, if not better, who isn’t a complete ass and doesn’t treat you like an invalid.  Shouldn’t be too hard, how many thousands of people does the boat hold?’
‘We may have some luck if they’re not all over 50!’  Kaitlin giggled ‘and who knows, I’m not looking to settle down and get married or anything like that, but a holiday fling might be nice!’  They laughed and agreed.

Pete was waiting for her when she got home two weeks later.  They hadn’t spoken while she was on the boat, partly because her phone had no signal on the open water and partly because she was having too good a time to bother.  At first Sarah had thought she was alone.  Walking through the front door in the dim half-light of twilight the house appeared to be in darkness.  She called out his name and was met with silence.  Her throat was getting more sore by the minute, talking was an effort and she could feel a cold coming on.  She sighed and lugged her suitcase down the hallway.  The 2 weeks away had been wonderful but someone on the boat had brought a bad cold with them and by the time they pulled into port on the last day a considerable proportion of the passengers and crew had come down with it.  Sarah had avoided it for 2 weeks but woke that morning with a headache, sore throat and feeling a little under the weather.  As she got closer to the kitchen she saw there was a light on so she left her suitcase in the hallway and wandered in.  Pete was sitting at the kitchen table with a beer bottle resting between his hands on the table.  He looked up and gave her a wry smile.  ‘Have fun?’ he asked and continued quickly, not giving her time to reply.  ‘I’ve had a lot of time to think over the last week, I’ve talked it over with mates and my brother and I’ve decided.’  He paused for effect but there was no point, she knew what was coming and had come to the same decision herself.  It had been a busy couple of weeks and there hadn’t been much spare time to think it over between swimming, bingo, cocktail parties, themed nights, island visits, sunbathing and re-enacting the famous Kate and Leo on the prow of the boat scene from Titanic but she realised early on that she didn’t really need much anyway.  She had already made her decision.
‘Before you continue Pete, I have something to say’
‘No!’ he interjected quickly and passionately, slamming his bottle down on the table for emphasis; ‘you’re going to hear what I have to say first!’  She sighed and sat down
‘Whatever.  Go for it’

‘I can’t stand it, I’ve had enough and I’m moving out.’
‘Well that was straightforward, to say the least’ she said bluntly.
‘It’s not you, it’s me.  I thought I could cope but I can’t, it’s too hard’
‘Wow, that one was original Pete, think of that all by yourself did you?’
‘Gah, you’re so frustrating!  Actually, you know what, it is you.  We never go anywhere or do anything because of you, because you’re either too tired or working or whatever.  I want to do things; I don’t want to be stuck at home all the time.  I can’t live like that and neither should you.  For the last year I’ve watched you deteriorate from the happy, fun person you were to this, whatever you are now.  I know you can do more than you do, I’ve seen you do more, you just don’t have as much faith in yourself as I do.  Just suck it up and go for it.  There are times when you can do heaps, usually when you’re on holiday.  Maybe you just don’t like work, I don’t know!  Maybe you just don’t want to live in the real world where people have responsibilities, have full time jobs, mortgages, and families – they struggle yeah but at least they try.  I know you genuinely do get sick but have you ever thought that maybe you’re making yourself sick?  Maybe it’s all in your head.  Maybe if you just ignored it and kept on going you’d be fine.  You’re so negative all the time; maybe if you just thought differently you’d kick this.  So do me a favour yeah, when I leave, when I’m packed up and all that, don’t mope around the house feeling sorry for yourself.  Don’t make everyone else feel sorry for you.  Don’t be the martyr saying you don’t need help and all that bullshit while you visibly fall apart just for the attention – grow up and get yourself a life.’
‘Wow, that’s just great, thanks Pete.  ‘Suck it up and go for it?  Grow up and get yourself a life?’  That’s about as helpful as that time someone told me to ‘just get a good night’s sleep’ to cure Chronic Fatigue.  I thought you understood what I was going through, what all this meant for me; how it impacted on my life but obviously I was wrong.  If you think that I don’t try, that I let it get the better of me, that I chose to be like this then you obviously don’t know me at all and that makes me sad.  To think I spent the last year of my life with you and you don’t even understand me a little bit – that’s depressing!  And you know what, I’m not even going to try explaining myself to you because you obviously have your opinion firmly set and nothing I say will change that.’  She stood up from the table.  ‘If you need me I’ll be at mum’s.  Take all the time you want packing up your things but make sure you don’t take anything of mine or leave anything of yours behind – I don’t particularly want to see you any time soon.’  She turned to leave
‘Is that it?’  He cried ‘a whole year of being together, 6 months of living together and that’s it?  You don’t even care!  Man, why did I bother!’
‘No Pete, that’s not true, I do care and thank you for the times you helped me, the times you did care, and thanks for trying to understand for a bit.  Someday you’ll make some uncomplicated and undemanding woman very happy but I don’t need someone like you in my life now or ever so no; I’m not completely distraught at your decision, I had come to the same conclusion myself.’
‘I knew it! You’re making it all about you’
‘But Pete, you said it was about me!’  She turned and left.  It wasn’t hard, her suitcase was already packed from the holiday and while she wouldn’t require the cocktail dresses, bathers and jewellery at her mothers place there were clothes and pyjamas that would do for the time being.

 

This keeping up the numbers bit is hard, why is this coinciding with what seems to be my busiest month of the year?  On the plus side I’m doing really well, the Mickel therapy is doing good things for my CFS and changing around the doses of the Fludrocortisone and midodrine seems to be working well – fingers crossed it continues to do so!

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